115: MMM - On Feedback, Part Two: Leggo Your Ego
On Feedback, Part Two: Leggo Your Ego
For feedback givers and receivers...
We most often think of asking people who are receiving feedback to let go of their egos... See it as a gift... do not defend or explain yourself... Not getting defensive in the midst of receiving feedback can be a Herculean effort sometimes - depending on who is giving it. It is an incredibly human and vulnerable moment.
And here's the thing. It should be a vulnerable moment for the feedback giver, too.
(And, I personally think sometimes there's helpful information in the explanation if the person is truly open to what you're saying.)
Can you approach this conversation with curiosity? Without all the answers? interested in how the other person might be interested in solving the problems that you see or that you are experiencing? Assuming the other person's best interests are at the forefront?
And I know, I know - sometimes the other person's best interests AREN'T at the heart of things. I've been there. When I first started coaching, I was so focused on proving myself, I took the speaker down to show how much I knew. Ugh. That was Ego, and I regret it.
Or when a speaker cannot HEAR what you're trying to say because they are so protective of what they have created. Their ego is getting in the way of learning, growing and the possibility of more. I get it - it's crazy-vulnerable and, if you and your story and your heart are in your talk, it can feel - and be - personally painful to not just stand up and say it, but to hear that it's not ok as it is.
"We have to know ourselves well enough to know what we need; and yet, we have to let go of ourselves long enough to let the other person truly IN."
Which is why we must all step into these conversations having LEGGO of our Egos. If you can't do that - if you need your ego that day (we've had those days, where we're just jumpier and more defensive and feeling wounded by the world) - well, then that's not the day to step into this conversation [unless you have a really skilled feedback person in the midst].
Speakers: you can set the terms for the feedback giving. It's about you, so what do you need? Right afterward? Giving it a little time? Do you want to hear it via email first, and then talk about it? Do you want to dive in right away so you don't forget what you were thinking and feeling?
Isn't #speaking awesome? It gets right at the heart of who we are - who we want to be - and who we sure as hell don't. #feedback @ThisMovedMe
That's the funny thing about this work - we have to know ourselves well enough to know what we need, what triggers us and how we learn best - and yet, we have to let go of ourselves enough to let the other person truly IN.
Isn't speaking awesome? It gets right at the heart of who we are - who we want to be - and who we sure as hell don't. I've seen truly wonderful humans get shook to the core in feedback sessions. It's no fun for anyone.
So - to give the conversation the best possible chance of success - Leggo your Ego.